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Weebles Wobble But They Won’t Fall Down
By Carson Cockman

As a golfer and observer of the human condition, I like to inform my rabid readers of things I have learned over the years. Things you learn on the links. Survival tips…so to speak.

Survival Tips for the rabid golfer:

Tip 1: Plan ahead. For example, know exactly where your competitor parks his Lexus and place your remotely detonated firecrackers under it BEFORE he arrives. This allows you to be relaxed and jovial until such time as you either win or lose or just want to shake him up by setting off his car alarm at the moment he is going for that critical birdie.

Tip 2: Never give up your strategy. In other words, do not be tempted to taunt your competitor with statements like: “Nice Lexus. I sure hope you have collision insurance on it.” Don’t place earplugs in your ears just before you push the trigger button. Remember…Surprise is a tactic.

Tip 3: Confuse the enemy. Bring your teenaged son or daughter as a caddy then casually ask him or her how things are going at school just as your opponent is about to go for an eagle. “Well, Dad…you know, uh…like Well…I really think, you know, well like I kinda like this girl and she is in my algebra class and my grades are not exactly really good in that, you know and well…”

Turn that eagle into a bogie in a heartbeat.

Tip 4: Create a diversion. Lob a handful of leftover firecrackers into the bunker on 14 just as he is about to wedge out. Then while he is digging a foxhole for cover yell, “It’s a terrorist plot!” and lob your ball twenty yards towards the hole. Repeat as needed.

Tip 5: Be crafty. When you are on the tee, pull out a hip flask of pure Wilkes County moonshine and pretend to take a sip. Hand it over to your competitor for a tipple. Watch as he slugs down a swallow. Grin as he smacks his lips in appreciation. Try not to laugh as it hits his belly and goes off like a hand grenade. Pick yourself up from the ground laughing after he begins to wobble like a Weeble and completely MISSES the ball on his next swing.

Tip 6: Play with confidence. After that first slug, it will become increasingly easier to get Mister Weeble to wobble on ensuing holes.

And Don’t Forget…

Tip 7: Play smart. Bring a hand truck. You are going to need it so your caddy can haul Mister Weeble Wobble to his blown up Lexus in the parking lot.

© Copyright 2007 by Carson Cockman

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