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Mysteries of Golf
By Carson Cockman

I come from a time when science did not have the answer to everything.

Yes! There was a time way back in the dim mists of history, when sports were played with low-tech tools and high-caliber people instead of the way it is nowadays.

A sport was all about the game back then.

I remember when I was a kid, taking a sofa pillow and tying it to my hand as a catcherís mitt. I recall making a first driver from a willow branch. I recall my first date in the backseat of my Chevy Impala but that is another story altogether.

These days, science has allowed the development of golf balls that fly farther, clubs that drive longer, golf bags that talk to you and golf carts with Onstar technology.

Survival of the most heavily armed

One canít really blame scientists though. Scientists probably sit in dark dank laboratories performing arcane experiments on full size replicas of Tiger Woods just to advance the cause of sports science.

The blame for this surge of progress lies on the golfers. The competition to plunk the ball in the hole first is similar to Cro-Magnonís drive to steal the flatulasaurus drumstick from the hands of his Neanderthal cousin.

Darwin's Theory of Golf Technology

It is this fierce competition that drives technology.

So, my point is that a lot of the mystery that makes the game timeless has been drained from golf like an Everglades wetland for a developerís wet dream.

Fortunately, I have cogitated deeply about the mysteries that are left and have made an omnibus of such. It was a difficult task but I muddled through with the help of my friends from Anheiser-Busch.

Mystery 10: How do they get the bottoms of the holes out of the cup?

Mystery 9: If the green is tilted to the left at two degrees and the wind is from in front of you, why does the ball drift to the right and gain enough speed to make it to the next county?

Things that make you go: "BUH BUH BUH BUH."

Mystery 8: When the tee time is at 8 am, why does one member of the foursome ALWAYS arrive two minutes after you have had to give up the start?

Mystery 7: To what parallel universe do the balls lost in the ball washer go?

Mystery 6: Why does one always stand next to a kid who has his DVD player on as loud as a C-5 on take-off, at the driving range?

Mystery 5: What manner of imaginary math can account for your opponentís driver, 2 iron, 5 iron, sand wedge, pitching wedge, putter, putter, putter, putter and putter being used and his scorecard shows only five strokes?

Mystery 4: Where can I take a course to learn that math?

Mystery 3: Why canít they put a bathroom at every hole, when beer is served, at the clubhouse?

Mystery 2: Why does one always play behind the little blue-haired lady and her partner who twenty-two putts every hole?

And last but certainly not leastÖ

Mystery 1: How did she get in front of you, when you distinctly remember leaving Mom in the parking lot unloading her bag and her portable oxygen tank?

For more golf humor, please visit author Carson Cockman's Blog Site.

© Copyright 2006 by Carson Cockman

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