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Golf by Proxy
By Carson Cockman

My gall bladder seems to be kicking up a fuss. I know this has much the same effect on my readers as my uncle Wilbur telling us all about his hemorrhoid surgery over Thanksgiving dinner but It is none the less true.


That means I have been going crazy watching golf on TV.

Watching golf on TV is much like having sex by proxy. It may be fun to watch but the feeling is just not there.

I tired of “safe golfing” after just one tourney.

Who told these commentators that they should not get excited? Who told them they had to speak in hushed whispers as if they were in a library? Why can’t they announce the play like the announcers do at the Kentucky Derby?

“They’re OFF! Out of the gate, it’s Vijay on the inside and Tiger stumbles into second. Michelson is in the middle of the pack and Daly bringing up the rear! At number 2, they are pacing themselves for the race, folks. It’s even at the flag. Vijay is still a half a length in front of Tiger but Michelson and Daly are still close behind.”

At the 9th tee, Michelson is making a move past Tiger and closes on Vijay. They are running a record pace at the turn and into the back nine. Vijay’s caddie is using the whip! It looks like Vijay is fading and Daly is making his move. He drives past Tiger and Vijay. It’s Michelson and Daly…Michel son and Daly…Daly and Michelson!”

And DOWNTHESTRETCHTHEYCOME! It’s Daly by a nose, Michelson, Vijay and Tiger back four lengths! But HERE COMES TIGER! They bump! Daly stumbles! It’s Daly! And Tiger! Daly and Tiger…AND TIGER TAKES THE LEAD! TIGER TAKES THE LEAD! IT’S TIGER AND DALY! TIGER AND DALY! TIGER BY ONE STROKE…TIGER BY TWO STROKES! AND TIGER WINS BY TWO AND PULLING AWAY!”

Watching THAT on TV would be exciting to be sure. You get the feel for the game.

But it still would not quite be the same.

After all you don’t get to see Tiger wearing the wreath of roses while having a feed bag on his face and you don’t get to watch the field get brushed and hosed down.

Unless you get invited to the after tourney party at the clubhouse.


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© Copyright 2006 by Carson Cockman

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