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Southern Rules and Etiquette of Golf
By Carson Cockman

Here is a great little site from Westlake High School. It gives a quick reference to the rules and etiquette of golf.

As an addendum to these rules I offer our local southern variations on a theme:

a. Should a possum or raccoon steal your ball while it is in play, the foursome must loose the hound dawgs for at least five minutes before the player may drop a new ball within one club length of the nearest water fountain or honky tonk bar.

b. Should the ball land in a sand bunker where your brother Bubba has passed out face down with his pants sagging as usual and said ball lands in the area of his rear end crack, one may choose to either play it as it lies or use a set of barbeque tongs to retrieve the ball and place it upwind by one club length depending on whether Bubba ate chittlins and ramps for lunch or not.

c. Play shall be suspended if a pick up with the confederate flag passes by. All players shall remove their hats and place them over their hearts.

d. Play shall also be suspended should the caddy run out of moonshine.

e. Play shall be postponed for five minutes if one of the foursome’s close kin has a funeral that is within walking distance from the green.

f. Bets can be paid with confederate money if your opponent is from above the Mason-Dixon Line.

g. You can mow without penalty, the practice green, if the bull will let you.

h. A one-stroke penalty shall be assessed should a player’s ball land under the car you find there on blocks.

i. A player shall lose the hole should he bean Uncle Billy Bob who is passed out there in the car

j. Mud grips are allowed on golf carts but play may be suspended should you have to winch out your opponent from a mud hole.

k. A player must forfeit the tournament should he disrespect the grand name(s) of Robert E. Lee, Dale Earnhardt or Cletus P. Crockett.

l. A one –shot penalty shall be assessed if any player doesn’t know that Cletus P. Crockett was and is the six foot eight, three hundred and seventy-five pound heavy weight champion golf pro and cow puncher (literally) who taught me to literally kill the ball or any witnesses that do not let me count a drive, two irons, four puts and a cue shot as four strokes.

m. Any player whose wife has forced him under penalty of butcher knife to have a vasectomy may without any penalty whatsoever, except the contemptuous snickers of his manly friends, play from the ladies tee if he dares show his face on the course.

n. It shall be considered an Act of God should a player’s ball hit a fried chicken bone while putting. No penalty assessed and the player may gnaw the bone if no one is looking.

o. One may drop a ball within one club length of a gator that has eaten his ball but shall not disturb the gator nor improve his lie.

p. A player may remove any edible plant life that interferes with the lie of his ball, especially if it is poke salad and the player has had to skip lunch due to a late tee time.

q. And finally, any player that survives being carried of by a mosquito the size of Florida, a face to face territorial battle with a rattlesnake in a sand trap, or a golf lesson with Cletus P Crockett shall get to score a one-in-one on the next hole he plays without a wheelchair.

For more golf humor, please visit author Carson Cockman's Blog Site.

© Copyright 2006 by Carson Cockman

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