By Carson Cockman
Dec 8, 2004, 11:06
It is wintertime here. I miss golf. As much as I love it, I refuse to wear skis to get around on the course. So, I have been considering how to keep my mind from wandering away from the game in the cold months.Carson Cockman
I have it figured out. Let’s all agree to trade Christmas for my new holiday…GOLFMAS!
Personally, I believe that the crass commercialization of Christmas has become far too common. We golfers could have our own holiday so we could have our own crass commercialization.
For example, we could celebrate Jack Nicklaus’ win of his second U.S. Open, four strokes head of runner-up Arnold Palmer where Nicklaus' 275 total betters the previous tourney record set by Ben Hogan in 1948.
I suggest that we honor this accomplishment by hanging golf bags over the fireplace in anticipation of J C Sneed inserting gifts, (like a sleeve of Titlists) in those of good little duffers. Bad golfers would receive an advertisement in the local newspapers of their worst scorecards of the year.
J C would check his list of outstanding bets and then check it twice. He’s going to find out who’s hooked or who’s sliced.
J C would ride to the roofs in a custom-made golf cart pulled by ten caddies. "On Blister . On Slicer! On Hooker! On All! Now putt away, putt away, putt away y'all!"
He would bring Big Berthas and swing trainers and place them under the giant decorated Golfmas tee.
Soon, Golfmas music would be on every radio station from Halloween on. We could sit around the clubhouse fireplace and reminisce of those classic Golfmas songs of yesteryear. After several Black Labels and Crown Royals, we could all join hands and sing carols like:
That folk carol by Burl Ives… “Have a Holly Jolly Hogan,”
Or that medieval song…”Good King Nicklaus went down on the greens of Pebble.”
Who could forget that romantic ballad…”Golf balls roasting by an open fire”
Of course there’s the Classic “Jingle Balls.”
Just think of it. Wonderful, isn’t it?
Of course, there would probably be some down side to it, too.
The Supreme Court would rule that it is illegal to place Golfmas scenes on the lawns of federally funded municipal golf courses. Prayers would be banned when you are putting 30 feet uphill for the course record on the 18th. Grown children might hire lawyers and sue the checkered pants off their parents for traumatizing them by purchasing clubs made in China, instead of Pings.
All in all, I think Golfmas would be better, in the long run, than Christmas. If we could stretch the celebration a bit…say until after Valentines Day… we could stave off the horror of rushing willy nilly to buy a box of chocolates which our beloveds won’t eat because they have already started dieting to get into a bikini they last wore in the 1980’s.
I know I would be glad to extend the Golfmas holiday that long.
Just two more weeks and the golf courses thaw out around here.
For more golf humor, please visit author Carson Cockman's Blog Site.
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