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Golf Humor

The Patriot Anti-Golf Geek System
By Carson Cockman
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I am a proud American. I believe in the strength of our technology and that Truth, Justice and the American Way aren’t just mottos for Superman.

That is why I want to develop a state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, foolproof golf widget that is deserving of all those hyphenated words!

What I need and what every other golfer I know needs is a radar-guided, laser-seeking golf ball that works like the tow missile system.

Imagine yourself standing on the tee at your favorite course. Your opponent is bragging about how he’s beaten you since the time you were in knee-knickers. He is droning on and on as he always does in that Pavlovian way. He even drools every time you get up to make you swing.

But TODAY, you have a surprise for him! Today is different! Today you have the SPAMCO PATRIOT ANTI-GOLF GEEK SYSTEM!

You casually reach into your bag and pull out a small but well-designed golf ball launcher specifically manufactured by General Dynamics to beat back the terrorist hordes by superior technology. You shoulder the launcher and pop in your trusty Titlist number 1.

“Fire in the Hole!” You shout! With a loud “FWOOOOOMP! Your ball is sent on a trajectory, which if left unguided, would land on a plain somewhere near where the Eagle landed. You remember that glorious day when the Apollo Astronauts played golf on the moon.

But then, the laser guidance system that sent shivers up the spines of Iraqi tank commanders grabs your ball like Lorena Bobbitt grabbed her husband’s driver. Like an arrow it heads for the green, in a ground-hugging way that causes trauma in any slow foursomes and earthworms in the fairway.

The ball hits the green and then the radar-hole seeking software kicks in.


“Looks like a hole-in-one.” You say to your discombobulated competitor, who stands there with his false teeth on the ground.

“You can’t do…”

You casually point the launcher at center mass.


“Ehhhhemmmm. I’ll have to check the rules of golf when we get to the clubhouse.

He tees up and hits the ball. You go into action with SPAMCO PATRIOT ANTI-GOLF GEEK SYSTEM! You drop to one knee and fire! INTERCEPTED!

His ball disintegrates into a lovely powder that disperses quietly to the ground in the form of fertilizer.


Imagine the internet sales! Imagine the pro endorsements! Imagine what that baby could do to someone in front of you that has just 24 putted on a par 3!

Operators are standing by!

You can view Carson Cockman's blog at CarsonCockman

© Copyright 2006 by Carson Cockman

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