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Golf Humor

The Jaws Of Life and Other Golf Training Devices
By Carson Cockman
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My friend David Meyers has gotten me interested in new fangled golf technology. He is a purveyor of things unique for the golfer who is in maniacal search of a golf score that is made up of negative numbers.

In my never-ending quest for golfing nirvana, I have tried many different golf-training aids. With the use of a scientific calculator with full graphing functions, I calculated the number of shots each product claimed it would remove from my game. I currently should be shooting a negative 22.

I guess I should just start on the second tee instead of the first to even it up with my competitors.

My first device was a Medicus swing trainer. It is a driver with an articulated shaft. The object of the Medicus is to make your swing smooth. You do this by swinging it in such a manner that the joint does not break during the full movement of the swing.

Stroke number forty-seven, unless i've used the Medicus...then I don't remember which stroke it is.

When I used the Medicus, I conked myself repeatedly in the head with it. After the first three conks, the amnesia takes over and you forget that you've conked yourself between conks. This definitely lowers your score because you also forget how many strokes you made during the round.

I tried a high tech swing trainer the other day. It was one of those trainers that looked like a giant double hula-hoop. The hoops are oriented vertically at the precise angle so as to allow one’s club to wrap around one’s neck in a handy double square knot. When the rescue squad got me out of it with the jaws-of -life, the management of the course banned me from ever using it on the property again.

There was the one that uses a Bungee cord type contraption to force one’s stroke into the perfect arc used to make a hangman’s noose out of the bungee cords.

I feel a bit safer with the putting trainers. One of them has a laser sight that is used to line up the ball to the hole. It also has a laser level to maintain the perfect height of the putter in relation to the eyeballs of the other golfers on the green. I have found this a useful device that helps me win matches by removing the ability to see, determine color and depth perception of any competitors foolish enough to get within the range of my lasers.

Yes! Technology is indeed a wonderful thing!

I have tried a hip pivot trainer that looks like a set of boat bumpers. You know, boat bumpers are those big plastic foam contraptions that look like giant cold capsules. They are used to keep fancy boats from hitting the dock.

These bumpers were devised, by some famous doctors, to bounce your hips at the precise moment in the swing so that the course orthopedic surgeon can pay for his new condominium with your hip replacement surgery.

My orthopedic surgeon checking the next condominium payment

I am personally looking for new investor type loons… I mean persons… to become silent partners in my latest golf trainer invention:


It works on much the same principle as the baseball tees used by little leaguers all over the world. The little ballplayer places the baseball on the tee, which stands at about eyeball level. He steps up and swings with all his might… eyes closed… teeth gritted in a grimace that reminds you of the grim reaper. He smacks the ball four feet short of the pitcher’s mound. For many of us, this would be a significant improvement on our distance.

I envision the same kind of trainer but with golf balls and drivers.

I think it will catch on because:
The golf ball LIKES the TEE ball TEE PRO!

A. You won’t have to bend over to tee up. This is a big marketing plus because that is golf’s most embarrassing moment. Buy one of these babies and those nerve -cracking” moments are history.

B. A trained professional ergonomically designs the TEE Ball TEE PRO, so that one can hit the golf ball like a baseball. This is good because most of us duffers hit like that anyway. It is more natural and is the way God intended for us to swing…and finally:

C. When the rescue squad comes to use the Jaws of Life to remove you from its clutches, they will find that it is made of soft and pliable rubber that can be untied rather that cut away from one’s jugular.

For more golf humor, please visit author Carson Cockman's Blog Site.

© Copyright 2006 by Carson Cockman

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