In January, I curl up into a fetal position and contemplate my putter, but not this year. This winter I will map out my grand battle plan for spring golfing. I am not saying I miss golf in the winter, but my wife has caught me out in the utility room fondling my driver. I catch myself staring for hours at the homepages of Florida’s beautiful WARM courses. If my credit card was not already maxed out, Expedia would OWN my house. Golf withdrawal is an ugly thing.
The other morning I had a religious experience. No. Ben Hogan did make a bedside visitation.
I stared at my golf ball so hard, I reached a state of Zen so deep; I thought I saw bacteria growing in the dimples. My epiphany was that I believed the bacteria made my ball more aerodynamically resistive, thus it rendered my drive 20 yards shorter. Does Betty Ford have a Golf clinic?
I have devised a sure-fire strategy for spring by reading Dale Carnegie’s “How to win Friends and Influence People.”
I just mentally changed the title to “How to Beat Friends and Influence Caddies.”
Strategy one: Just before we play, mention how the government is really cracking down on tax evasion, this year to my friend Joe, the multi-level marketer. Of course, I will do this in a very upbeat and totally positive way.
Strategy two: As we drink before-round beverages, mention to my former business partner that there have been a rash of sexual lawsuits won by female plaintiffs over their boss’s perceived ogling.
Strategy Three: Tell the lawyers in the other half of our foursome about those lawsuits.
This will accomplish two things. It will discombobulate my opponents so that while they,
(1) Try to figure out how he will explain to the auditor how dollars spent as g-string stuffers can be listed under moving expenses.
(2) Try to explain to his lawyer that all that eye contact toward his secretary, Ms. Delilah Buxomhauler, was directed solely at her…liquid assets.
(3) Tries to figure out how many Mercedes my former business partner is going to buy with his legal bill…
I am beating them like a rug on a clothesline.
Caddies however are immune to such brazen attempts to distract them. They are after one thing and one thing only…tips.
The consequences of not properly tipping your caddy by some small sum at least equivalent to the gross national product of a third world nation, is that you will be handed a three iron on a pitch to a green with a alligator infested water hazard on the other side. You could find yourself searching for your own buried ball in a sand trap known for sidewinder rattlesnakes. So, one must be very careful on just how to approach a caddy.
You can NOT just go up to them and throw large wads of cash at them. They will give you a look that will freeze your tee just before they snatch the cash from mid-air like a peregrine falcon hits a pigeon from a thousand feet above. They will then lean the cup flag slightly to the left of perpendicular at every hole.
No. You must begin by asking about their family. Caddies DO have families. They are not, as some may believe, genetically altered piranhas crossed with IRS agents.
They have feelings. They also have the keen senses of the tip predator.
Forget it. Just hand them all your cash and if necessary, a bottle of your best bourbon. If they begin to salivate and look at you as if you were an antelope baby and they are black panthers, I suggest you wave your ATM card in front of them as bait. You may survive until the 18th.
So. I am ready for spring. My golf future is secure. It will be D- day + six hours.
I just hope none of my golfing partners have had their own strategy sessions and have come up wit anything concerning the use of bazookas!
For more golf humor, please visit author Carson Cockman's Blog Site.
© Copyright 2005 by Carson Cockman
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