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Ask Carson
By Carson Cockman
 
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Dear Carson,

I am having a bit of trouble at the country club. I feel that my score is higher due to the unkempt nature of the greens.

The maintenance staff here at the club is not keeping the divots repaired properly and they are using a substandard quality of Bermuda.

Should I complain at the next committee meeting?

Harvey Waltham Sr. in Van Nyes, California



Dear Harv,

I feel your pain. I have a similar situation occurring at my favorite course, too.

The other day, I was putting out on the par five, number three dippsy-doodle to the right over the sewer line at the Mooresville Municipal Golf course and Lube Change Facility. My friend and golf companion, Delbert disappeared!

I found him deep in a ground hawg hole just off the tee. I complained immediately to the maintenance staff right after I got off the grass and recuperated from my busted gut.

The grounds crew at the course usually does a great job of hunting the ground hawgs. They have photos of their prizes and the best are kept as trophies and advertising for Fleem’s Taxidermy shop.

So, I felt it was time to make my feelings known that not only were they falling down on the ground hawg war, they were failing to keep the Kudzu down to where one could get to the green on number 15. Normally, one can get to it with only moderate use of the machete but it has gotten out of hand.

Can you believe it? I got into a golf cart the other day and the four-wheel drive wouldn’t work!

I ask you. How can one play under such conditions?

To answer your question, I think you should put it on the agenda and address this sort of thing immediately and forcefully by having your butler slap the other committee members in the face with a silk glove.

They will certainly take you seriously, then!

I, myself, expressed my outrage at the weekly barbeque by serving ground hawg with Roundup sauce to the grounds crew.

They got my point after the trip to the infirmary to get stomachs pumped.

The head maintenance man will forever be an example to his fellows that shows how serious we are here about our golf ambiance…

As soon as I get him back fro Fleems’ Taxidermy shop.

© Copyright 2007 by Carson Cockman

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