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Golf Humor

Ask Carson
By Carson Cockman
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A compendium of Golf and Life knowledge for guys, hosted by a guy and for those guys who need answers about life’s ponderable questions.

Dear Carson,

My girlfriend says I play too much golf. What can I do?

Havin’ too much fun, Oregon.

Dear H 2 mf in O,

Get a new girlfriend.

I suggest you find one on the golf course.


Dear Carson,

I have spent three thousand dollars this month alone on a new top-of-the-line set of Pings. I’ve spent another 500 on lessons. My personal caddie, Farningham, says my club selection stinks, my hook looks like Kareem Abdul Jabar’s and my follow through reminds him of a spastic duck’s. I am shooting a 107 with a 3 handicap. What can I do?

George Edgar Worthington II, in West Palm Beach

Dear GEWII in WPB,

The way I see it, George (May I call you George?), you are relying on technology too much at this point in your golf game. The golfing legends started with much less reliance on widgets as they came along.

For example, it is a little known fact that Ben Hogan began playing golf with borrowed clubs. He was so poor that he had to use cow patties instead of golf balls to practice his drive.

Talk about your incentive to get better!

What you need is to get back to the basics of golf. You need to foster that “hunger” to get better. You need to return to the very roots of golf and start from scratch.

You seem like a very nice man, George. Yes! You seem like the kind of man The Carster would like to help out PERSONALLY.

In the interest of helping a fellow golfer and out of the goodness of my pea-pickin’ heart, I will make you the following offer:

I’ll trade you even …your set of Pings for my trusty set of Ching Wah’s. This will get you back to square one on the technology front. You’ll have the best in Cro-Magnon technology to start you at the bottom to work your way up. You’ll gain that sense of dedication that is required of all potential golfing legends.

We can actually trade places for a few weeks or months so that you won’t lose the money on the pro lessons. I’ll give you the address of the refrigerator box of my best trainer at the Mooresville Golf Course and Oil Change Facility. He will teach you things the pro’s can’t…like how to survive should you get lost in the wild out of bounds areas and the use of SternoÒ to heighten awareness.

I’ll trade you my caddy, Cletus, for your caddy, Farnham. Cletus knows which club to select if you are in a reclaimed septic tank and can’t even see the hole. Cletus is 6 foot 6 and can wrestle a full-grown bull to the ground. He comes in pretty handy in collecting welched wagers.

I want you to know that even though it would be tough leaving my comfortable environment. I would do this because you are a golfer in need, George. I think we should probably also trade car keys, too. You’ll need the four-wheeler to get around on the course and I’d need the Bentley to haul your girlfriend around.

But trust me… Your game will improve quickly. You’ll learn more about Golf and Life in just a few weeks than most potential pros do in half a lifetime.

Although in all fairness, I should probably tell you…

If Cletus isn’t around, Don’t play Number eight dog-leg to the left off the fairway. They haven’t fixed the pasture fence and the Bull gets out pretty regularly.

Getting’ R done on the Golfing scene,


© Copyright 2007 by Carson Cockman

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